when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
