I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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