Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
