Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
