took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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