Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
