Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
