How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
