I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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