so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
People in love make me want to vomit
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
