I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
it's great music for shaving your balls
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
