Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
