Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
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It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
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He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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