And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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