Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
