forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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