And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
