Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
