So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
