there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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