FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
