if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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