Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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