Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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