I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
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I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
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i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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