took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
