she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
