If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize