I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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