I smell stomach acid.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
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