Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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