Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
