New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
