I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
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I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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