I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
