Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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