I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
