I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
