I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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