I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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