it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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