Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he's gonorrhea incarnate
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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