I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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