My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
