nut hugger
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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