What did we do last night that was yellow?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
