Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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