On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
