Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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