Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
