I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
