I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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