I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
