dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
