I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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