Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
