just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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