what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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