Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the day after is always just damage control
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
