Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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