I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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