The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
