it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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