My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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