break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
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St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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