dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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