yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
